It’s hard for me to remember large parts of my childhood. My memory feels patchy in places. But one thing I do remember clearly is how much I preferred solitude.
I was often told I was mature for my age, and I wore that label proudly. I liked structure, quiet, and predictability. I kept my room neat, noticed when things felt “off,” and generally preferred being alone with my thoughts over being around groups of people.
At the time, none of that seemed unusual to me.
As I got older, my solitude just changed form. I spent more and more time alone in my room, completely content in my own world. Around the house, my family jokingly called it “Aimeeland,” because aside from dinner or movie nights, I mostly kept to myself.
School itself wasn’t difficult for me. I studied, followed the rules, turned assignments in on time, and generally did what I was supposed to do. From the outside, I probably seemed responsible and independent.
What people didn’t see was how exhausting everything felt underneath.
The social rules never seemed natural to me. Friendships felt complicated. Group settings were draining. I constantly overthought interactions, replayed conversations, and worried about how I was being perceived.
I remember impulsively signing up for volleyball during my freshman year. At first, it sounded like a good idea. But once the reality of practices, expectations, and the social side of it set in, the anxiety became overwhelming and I quit before cuts were even made.
That pattern followed me into adulthood.
Even now, I’ll think about reaching out to someone, then immediately feel overwhelmed by the possibility of plans, obligations, or losing the small amount of recovery time I have after work. I’ve canceled plans more times than I can count—sometimes relieved in the moment, guilty immediately after.
For most of my life, I assumed I just needed to try harder.
Be more disciplined.
Be more social.
Be less sensitive.
Push through it like everyone else seemed to.
I always knew I experienced the world differently.
I just thought it was a personality flaw with no specific reason.