I recall blurbs of calmness as a child, always when I was alone with my stuffed animals and my thoughts. My mind was always racing with the “why” of everything — the universe, animals, the oddness of being human. Coloring was very relaxing for me. I also enjoyed playing house, mainly involving pretending to do housekeeping chores, cleaning and tidying. My stuffed animals were my cherished friends. As I got a bit older I remember getting some sort of magazine subscription in the mail that was about a different animal every month. I loved reading those for hours, soaking up every little detail about each creature, utterly fascinated. There was a brief time when my mom worked and my dad didn’t. I remember watching the Muppet Show in the evenings with my dad during that time, just enjoying our presence and the program. It was simple and calm — like we had some sort of non-verbal understanding.
Science class was instantly intriguing, learning about rocks, minerals, and the solar system. My mom always planted a decently large garden, so naturally I enjoyed learning about the plant cycles, and of course anything critter related. We had large rocks that my mom found and gathered, lining flowerbeds all around our yard. I loved helping her plant flowers, often turning the large rocks over to see all the bugs and worms in the soil. They were so amazing, just living their little lives deep within the soil. It was mesmerizing!
During my pre-teen years I was in the Girl Scouts, which is when my weirdness really clicked. I found friends that were a bit similar to me. I sensed a familiar quirkiness in several of them, right away. There were a few of the snooty girls from school there too, but I think the majority of them soon after fell off. We went on various different ‘field trips’ and my mom always assisted as a sort of chaperone. Caves, camping, creeking, general wilderness exploring, everything I loved! I should also note, I was still playing with Barbies (another solo play I enjoyed) at this age as well. This phase ended around 13.
I always enjoyed reading so the Grammar and Literature of 7th grade was an instant love that I naturally excelled at. Typing was another joy. The sound of the keys, the satisfaction of the clicks, and getting the words onto the paper with such speed! Home Economics and Art were other loves.
The year I started 8th grade the schools decided that grade would reside at the high school. It was a bit of a shock. Grade school was fun and exciting, learning so many new and fun things. It was like being thrown into adulthood, and socializing was vastly more complicated. Some kids were mean and a bit like bullies. I did a lot of observing. I was fascinated with human behavior and would discuss personalities and little interactions with other kids with my mom. I would internalize every ounce of her wise advice. I craved information — but only about the things that fascinated me. History and math for example bored me to death. Those classes were like torture! I couldn’t focus in the least, so I just enjoyed observing others interact with each other. I quickly identified the different groups of kids and the hierarchy of each. My mom always made sure I had a yearbook, even though money was tight. I would study those pages for hours, memorizing every name and face. I wanted to understand people, but they weren’t as simple as my stuffed animals and nature. My small group of friends and I weren’t outcasts exactly, but we definitely were not the “cool kids”. We were all sort of poor compared to other kids, but not the poorest. Looking back, I wasn’t just a quiet kid. I was studying everything — rocks, insects, books, people. I didn’t know it then, but my fascination with the world and my confusion about it were coming from the same place. I just didn’t have the language for it yet.